RUSSIAN SILVER SCREEN IS PURE GOLD

Barry Fagin

Colorado Springs Gazette, 6-11-09

I see four or five movies a week while I’m in St Petersburg. Watching films is a great way to improve your foreign language skills, and it gets me out of the apartment. It’s also one of the few experiences in Russia that is comparable to, or even better than, the American version.

For one, Russian theaters let you pick your seat. I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s worth repeating. You can buy your ticket and relax, strolling in a minute or two before showtime knowing your seat will be waiting for you.

And while you’re waiting, you can go to the snack bar and order a mineral water. This is something that drives me crazy about American theaters: There’s no mineral water. If you want fizz with your flicks, you’re stuck with teeth-rotting, calorie-laden, sugary soda.

Kimball’s, bless their hearts, has always given me a cup of soda water when I ask for it. But everywhere else in the Springs, employees don’t even know what carbonated water is.

Fortunately, at any theater in St Petersburg, I can get a bottle of Perrier or Bon Aqua for a couple of bucks, and enjoy my zero-calorie fizzy experience while watching Steve Martin banter with John Cleese in French-accented Russian. Now that’s living.

Movies are a good deal for Americans here: Tickets are cheaper for exactly the same films shown in the US. Russian theaters also practice differential pricing, based on where your seat is located. You can save money by picking a seat right on the edge of the boundary, and get a good seat’s viewing for a cheap seat’s price.

Plus the first show of the day is only 90 rubles, about three bucks at current exchange rates. I wouldn’t normally go to a movie at ten AM, but the sun rises at five in the morning now. This makes going to a morning show here like an afternoon matinee back home. It’s really easy to do.

You can learn a lot about a country by watching film. Probably none of you saw the big-budget stinker “Echelon Conspiracy”, desperately retitled in Russia as “The Gift”. An evil NSA director and out-of-control computer system are threatening to turn America into a police state. Hard to believe stuff like this gets made at all, let alone twice. Remember “Eagle Eye”?.

The young nerdy programmer saves the day by getting the evil computer to contradict itself. Straight out of a Star Trek episode from my childhood. Did I mention that I saw the new Star Trek movie over here? Everybody hooted and hollered whenever Chekov did anything.

Anyway, on this side of the ocean, the true hero of “The Gift” is a Russian FSB officer (post-Soviet version of the KGB) who secretly helps the nerd save his country from totalitarianism. Why? Because a threat to individual freedom in America is a threat to individual freedom everywhere, and “Sometimes America needs help to see that.” This from a Russian intelligence officer? Honest, I don’t make this stuff up.

I saw more of Russia’s obsession with being seen as America’s equal Saturday night. “The Way” is a Russian-made Rambo- flick about four commandos who go in to destroy a narcotics operation in Southeast Asia. For some reason, they need the help of an American aircraft carrier. (Fun Film Fact: Michael Madsen, from “Kill Bill”, plays the captain). The commandos’ helicopter lands on the carrier, and the team steps out, looking very macho and ready to kick some serious bad-guy butt.

There are all sorts of great lines in this scene. Things like “So captain, are you ready to save the world together?” and “Can they really do it? There’s only four of them, and they’re just people.” “I know, and if they don’t make it, we’ll blow that island to smithereens. But I believe in them”. Absolutely priceless dialog.

But my favorite comes right after the team steps off the chopper and the US crew assembles on deck to greet them. Cut to a closeup of two see-how-American-women-are-not-as-pretty-as-our-Russian-women officers, who give the new arrivals a top-to-bottom inspection:

Female officer #1: “Check it out! Russian special forces!”

Female officer #2: “Think they’ll stay awhile?”

Female officer #1: “Keep dreaming.”

I love this country.